I've a well-honed sense of guilt. Some days it doesn't come near me, but on others, it causes me to slump around and become lethargic. It creeps over as I'm gazing at some household chore I dread or some task I started and didn't finish. (Although, thanks to Real Simple magazine, I have been given a wonderful insight into chores...they said to check the clock and time yourself on whatever chore you hate the most, and be pleasantly surprised that it really doesn't take that long, and really isn't worth putting off. I mean, really, emptying the dishwasher and reloading it took all of 6 minutes. I dread 6 minutes? But I digress...)
This morning I didn't graciously allow my wonderful, hard-working husband to sleep in. I did let him sleep in, but not graciously. While he was sleeping, I was gracious, and fed Zoe and kept her quiet, but once he woke up, I was decidedly ungracious. I wanted him to pop right out of bed, raring to go, aware of all the chores I was quietly working on and rise to the occasion of helping me clean the house from top to bottom. Well, this obviously didn't happen, because he'd just woken up. He was still sleepy.
So this matter of feeling guilty. I felt guilty this morning about not being gracious, but mostly what I was upset about was that he DIDN'T feel guilty about sleeping in. Because I would have. So he should have.
Isn't that the most warped thing? So as I took our in-laws' dog out for a walk, I pondered my attitude. I feel guilty a LOT. And I know I do, and I know I shouldn't. And so I feel guilty about that. I feel that I should use my time better. I should read the Bible more. I should volunteer more often and take more meals to sick people or people with new babies or the neighbors across the street. (Although I did make a blueberry tart for our neighbors last week but they weren't home at the time I tried to take it to them, so then I brought it back home and stuck it in the fridge, forgetting about it until I threw it away this morning. But I don't really feel guilty about that, just forgetful.) When Nathaniel is gracious (and he is much, much better at this than me) and lets me sleep in, once I wake up, I feel guilty. I feel that I should have gotten up and taken care of Zoe and done all these things that he did while I was sleeping.
So I'm still working through all this and trying to figure out why my first inclination is to feel guilt. Perhaps it's my background of Calvinism? Sin is ever before me and in me? I long to move into the wideness of God's mercy, and as I learn it, to pour it out over others. And this thing of wanting others to feel guilty because I would have really has to stop.
Is it a faulty view of myself in light of God's grace and mercy? Or a correct one? The church we attend has a saying they often repeat: Until sin is bitter, grace cannot be sweet. When I first heard that, I thought, "Yes!" Until I can see myself in the light of God's incredible perfection, I can't realize how much I need Him and what He did for me. But on the other hand, He sees me as His child. When I think of Zoe, even when she does something I tell her not to (like throw Pooh Bear in the kitchen trash can), I still love her immensely. Do I feel that I let God down in my actions or inactions? As His child, He looks on me and smiles. This burden I carry over things that don't matter is unnecessary. An attitude of guilt keeps me from God's purposes of fully living.
And that's what I mean about moving into the wideness of His mercy. I want to learn to accept that for myself and be able to freely give it to others.
Yesterday was quite fun. We went to Saturday night church the night before (a first for us, and I can see why people enjoy it...you get your whole Sunday free!) We went out to eat for breakfast, then to OJ Watson park to go paddleboating and to eat snowcones, back home for a nap and then to Nathaniel's parents' house. All in all a really wonderful day. Thanks, babe, for being such a great Daddy to Zoe. We love you!
|Eggcetera in Old Town...they have a really wonderful Greek omelet|
|Following the Yellow Brick Road|
|Zoe LOVES to swing. Woe to us if she sees swings in the distance at a park. |
Once she sees them, it's all over for us!
Oh, how I love the ocean. I wonder if it's because I live smack-dab in the middle of the country, miles and miles and hours and hours away from the coastline. Or do I love it so much because I have such happy family memories of beach trips? Whatever the reasons, I feel like I'm coming home when I get a glimpse of the water and smell that salty air. I really wanted Zoe to experience the beach this summer. When my side of the family ended up deciding against the beach trip (due to a really great reason: my brother's fabulous upcoming wedding in October in South Carolina), I was disappointed to not have a week at the beach.
But it ended up working out! We just got back from a week on the East Coast visiting Nathaniel's side of the family. We started in Raleigh and then visited his sister Rachel in Chesapeake. One day the weather was forecasted to be mostly sunny, so after Zoe's morning nap, we packed up and hit Virginia Beach! It was only for two hours, but boy were they glorious! Thanks, Rach, for organizing this crew for a most wonderful outing!
|Watching Veggie Tales to pass the time...are we there yet?|
|She wasn't sure about the sand at first|
|Ooh, don't take me too far out!|
|I could absolutely live here. Sorry, Kansas!|
|Mama and Zoe|
|Beautiful Auntie Rach|
|Conquerers of the sandcastle! Uncle Than with K, I & J!|