A month gone by

Procrastination, my old acquaintance, you whom I welcome at the back porch door, you whom I let into my kitchen for a cup of coffee yet pretend I don’t recognize you when we meet on the street, you that cause me worry and frustration; you have been with me for many long years. Procrastination, you are the other dark side of perfectionism. You tell me that if something can’t be done perfectly well, one might as well not even start.   Exhibit one: this blog. I had a goal of writing one post per week, which felt to me a worthy, easily attainable yet manageable goal. I realized procrastination remained in my life when I saw that my last blog post was almost a month ago. What does it matter? Should I be concerned? Should I care?

Yes, I should. It’s important to set goals for oneself and to meet them.

No, I shouldn’t. It’s about grace.

Yes and no.

Is there a deeper question? Probably so. A few summers ago I accompanied Nathaniel to a conference that his family has attended regularly for years. At this conference, someone spoke words into my life that had to do with writing books and that these books would have influence. Since then, Nathaniel has reminded me of those words at different times. I brushed them off. What if I do decide to write and nothing happens? What if I decide to try to write a book and no one reads it but my family? What if I’m not a good writer after all?

So many questions. When I was small, I ONLY had questions. I wanted to know the whys and whos and whats of everything. Why is that tree so tall? Who lives in that cemetery? Why did they die? How old were they? Why is our car grey and that car blue? Why. How. What. I’m still questioning and asking.

I don’t know how often I will write. I may only have a small yet religious following among my family members. I may never get a six figure book advance. Sheesh.  How serious do I need to be? How far into the future do I need to live?

Here’s to another post,  one month after the last. No promises on when the next one will come, only a promise to be honest and real and (possibly) funny.