5.01.2012

Heigh ho, Heigh ho


It's back to work I go.

I've accepted a part-time position at the school where my friend Brooke is a principal. I'll be teaching middle school Literature in the afternoons. I'm excited and nervous. Excited because I have missed teaching and working. Excited because I'll be in the adult world again. Nervous because I hope this is a good decision.

I have always taken a long time to make decisions. I have thought and rethought this returning to work decision. Nathaniel and I discussed it numerous times. I've prayed and asked for advice. 

I called my good friend Staci, who knew I'd been thinking about going back to work. The first thing she said after she heard my message was, "Are you still thinking about that?" This was the third conversation we'd had about this same topic. Apparently, when we were roommates in college, I was the same. Should I? Shouldn't I? What do you think? What about you? You? I wanted consensus on my decision. No gut decisions here: I needed time to think and ponder and think just a little more. I just want to be doing the right thing. I want this issue to be clear-cut, but it's not.

More than just making the right decision, I've been wrestling with what my decision about working means about what I think about mothering. Stay at home mothering in particular, because returning to work means I won't be staying at home exclusively. I had another conversation with another college friend, Sara, over Christmas break. (And as she's lived abroad since her second year after college graduation, she has a really great perspective on lots of things. But another post for that.) She and I were discussing my difficulty staying at home this year. I was giving her all the reasons it was hard. One, Zoe is a bit of a strong-willed baby. As a young infant, she cried a lot. A crazy lot. Two, we finally got her on a good schedule with two naps per day. But woe to the mama that interrupts or diverts her from those naps. A delightful Target shopping trip does not warrant as an interruption. Three, we live on a different side of town from most of the other mamas with babies we know. This makes unscheduled playdates not necessarily the easiest thing. Four, and this one carries a lot of weight, I missed working. I missed being challenged intellectually. I missed teaching, which I (not to toot my own horn) was good at. God created in me a talent for teaching. I very much missed this.

And for those that have answers for all my reasons, me too. One, lots of babies are strong-willed. Join the club. Two, this too shall pass. All too quickly. I'll look back on this time and miss it. Yes, yes and yes. Three, find friends in your own neighborhood. Okay. Four, you can always go back when your kids are in school. You can teach Sunday school.

The combination of answers two and four were the hardest for me to think about. I am certain that these baby years will fly by. I mean, how do I already have a one year old? And I do know that there are other teaching opportunities out there without going back to work.

I think that is is also about about my fitting into (what I see as) the mold of a stay at home mom and feeling like a failure for not wanting it more. It's also about feeling that I will be judged for this decision. The mantra of Mothering is the Highest Calling haunts me. (And this mantra, as it chants in my head goes like this: Staying at home is the absolute best for your children. Working outside the home means that you are putting yourself and your needs over your children's.) I've been told it's a spectrum of most holy to least holy. And of course moms that NEED to work, this doesn't include you.

During the Bible study I attend on Wednesdays, I chose not to share during this week's Fellowship time. Earlier in the year, I'd shared my difficulty with staying at home and how I'd been struggling with feeling depressed and trapped. All the mothers rallied around me, telling me that I'd soon get through this hard stage and how much easier it would be once Zoe was crawling, talking, walking, potty-trained. One mom even brought in her much loved copy of Home by Choice to loan me. (To her everlasting credit, she was incredibly gracious about it and told me that I may or may not get something from it.) One mom shared how she'd stayed at home, struggled with it, went back to work full-time and cried every single day, and decided to stay at home again. But what happens when your emotional state doesn't get much better and you still desperately miss working? And all this emotional angst on my part over going back part time in the afternoons!!!!!

All this advice. All these ideas of what is best. All this splainin' to do.

I'm sure lots more will follow as I process and pray and think about this more. I hesitate to ask, but please do comment.

Disclaimer: Moms that work...this is all about my processing. Please, please, please know that I hold you in the highest regard. Plus I'm joining your ranks part-time! Moms that stay at home...this is not against what you've decided. NOT AT ALL. Have any of you processed through part of this as well?



16 comments:

  1. I'm fascinated that you posted this this morning. My husband laughs at me for being so back and forth: I went back to teaching part time in the fall (baby was 3 months old). Some days, I love it. Others, I cry. Yesterday, I was crying.

    I LOVE teaching. I, like you, know that I have been given a gift. But I feel very torn being away from my baby. We haven't found good day care (that will take baby 2 days a week) so that adds to my stress. My husband has watched him, but that is also stressful. I think if I had a mom or a friend who I knew I wasn't inconveniencing, I would feel a lot better about working. I know daycare/friend time is good for baby...it's just hard to let go. I pray a lot about finding good care.

    I also feel like the guilt thing has a lot to do with friend groups/geography. Since I've worked for the past 8 years, many of my friends are teachers. Who work full time. Who have multiple kids. And are good at juggling it all. I'm not. I feel guilty around them that I only come see them 2-3 days a week.

    My cousins, in-laws, gals from church, and many college friends stay home full time. They aren't bored or dying to work (at least, it doesn't seem so.) They can't help me with advice about day care because they've never had to deal with that. So I feel guilty talking about it...because I feel like I should be staying home.

    Not advice. Sorry. I feel your struggle. Everyday. It's not a fun one, I don't think, but I suppose there could be worse things (like, I'm lucky I don't HAVE to work - that I get to choose!)

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    1. Thanks, Angela! I'm glad that I'm not the only one that wonders why staying at home isn't going better. I think your problem is mine, too...I'm not sure who to talk to this about! Thanks for sharing and you're right: I'm choosing this. How blessed am I?

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  2. I think you will really enjoy working part time. The job sounds like a great fit for you, and what a nice schedule:) I can tell you've put a lot of thought and prayer in to this decision, and it seems like God has opened the door for you to teach. Blessings on you and your sweet family!

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    1. You've always been positive about this, Alli! Thank you! Blessings to you too, on your *growing* family!!

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  3. Awww, Carrie
    I don't think anyone can really tell you what you're thinking or what's best for you. As long as you feel good about it, Zoe's in a good place and everyone is thriving.
    Whether it's breast feeding or not, cloth diapering or not, making your own baby food or feeding her store-bought, only you {and your husband} can really make those calls. I think a super unhappy momma at home could be worse than one who is gone for a few hours of the day!
    If only people could refrain from judging… but that's asking alot. We all do it. I applaud your ability to analyze what is best for you and your family… critics be damned.

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    1. Kimberly, you're right. All those things you mentioned, I've said the exact same thing to new moms: Do your best! With God's help, do your best! Don't stress over the little things because most are NOT important. Thanks for your nice comments. I appreciate you!

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  4. You are such an incredible woman. I admire your contemplative and deep thinking ways. A GOOD mom does what works for her and her family. A GREAT mom does what works for her family and then for herself. You are a great mommy because you want what is best for Zoe. She is very blessed to have you as her mommy.

    I think you will be a better mommy by feeding your soul and mind with teaching. The stimulation you receive from that, will transfer to your home life. Zoe will have a happier mom, and you will appreciate her more. Absence makes the heart grow fonder! :) Enjoy using your gift! Who knows...maybe someday you will use it to teach your own, and join the growing ranks of us homeschoolers!!!

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    1. Thanks, Erica! Good thing I have 4 more years until the homeschooling decision! I'm sure I'll have lots of teaming up from others on Nathaniel's side on that one... :) Love ya!

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  5. I haven't read any of the other comments by your friends, Carrie and I don't want to be a repeater but I do want to encourage you. I think a mom's/wife's job is not black and white and can not be defined by any one person or any society. It can only be defined by those within your own family. You and Nathaniel know what's best for your family, what's best for you, Carrie, and what's best for your marriage. I do think that it's important to continue developing and feeding yourself. It's important to your mind and your spirit, it's important to your relationship with your husband, it's important to the many roles that you provide - whether it be mother or another role. I think it's better to have a happy momma who does the things she needs to do for herself (as long as they are not destructive to your relationship with the Lord, your husband or your children) than it is to have a grumpy momma. It's hard to love and enjoy what you do when you are not completely content.

    You are an incredible woman and I admire your honesty and your transparency. I also admire your ability to create your own mold for motherhood. I'm giving you two thumbs up, my dear. I hope that you will not feel judged or discouraged for doing what you need to do. Like children, every woman is different. What works for one, may or may not work for another. Blessings in this newest journey. ~Lauren

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    1. Lauren, "Continue developing and feeding yourself..." Those hit the spot and really, that's what I've been pondering and working through. Thank you!!

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  6. Carrie! So excited to find your blog! I totally affirm your decision and SO feel your angst in making the decision. I went through it this spring too...http://www.tonya-serendipity.blogspot.com/2012/03/40-days.html. I'm looking forward to following you! - Tonya

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    1. Well, hello, Tonya! Great to hear from you! I will follow you right back! :)

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  7. I relate to this partly because I don't like not working; sometimes subbing has filled in the gap, but yes, I still miss teaching. Something I learned was that in our culture, people have the freedom not to work which isn't necessarily one that is felt worldwide. We live in a culture that sometimes looks down on those who make decisions contrary to what is cultural. And in America, the stay-at-home minivan Mom is a cultural thing. But so is the self-made woman who is independent in every way. I think there can be a balance; we don't stop being who we are just because we are married, or we have children. We need our interests to help keep our sanity, and we won't always have kids in the home. When the kids are gone, what will a person do? I never envisioned myself as a stay-at-home-Mom, but then, for awhile I didn't even think I would get married. God gives us different seasons of life, and we are to delight in what He gives us--whether we have the opportunity to work or stay at home. Either way, it's okay. I have a friend who really wants to stay home, but can't. She chooses to cheerfully help her family by working and her love for God and others is apparent. I'm just saying it's easy to give advice to others based on your 'experience', but experience is highly subjective.

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    1. Well said, Lisa! There must be a balance, and that looks different for each person in each family, as God leads. I definitely felt unbalanced this year! I will enjoy reading more of your adventures on the prairie this year!

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  8. Carrie,

    Oh how I love you!! You know what? You are God's child and he loves you as much as (and more than) you could ever love Zoe. He loves Zoe more than you do and he will take care of her too, whether you watch her or someone else does. God made you the way he did on purpose - strengths, weaknesses, everything. And he made Zoe on purpose - crankiness, sweetness, everything. I think believing deep down that God loves you no matter what you do or don't' do, and that he is not constantly frustrated or disappointed with you takes off so much pressure. I love the print you got me "Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful." You can rest assured that you have thought through all the options and made the best decision you can. No one else has the right to judge you. I understand wanting consensus on your decision because that's part of our family culture and personalities. But that can also just be wanting to please everyone and that simply isn't possible. : ( So rest in your decision. Either way will be fine. God will sustain you and your family through anything. If you love it, great! If you don't, great! Stay at home full time next year. There's so much we don't know until we've experienced it and God guides and directs us like you do for Zoe. You're not mad that she can't understand it yet, you just want her to obey you the best she can. God wants us to obey him the best we can. He loves us no matter what. I have no idea what I'll do when we have kiddos but I know half the mamas out there probably won't agree with me no matter what I choose. : ) As our sweet Nana would say "Whatever!"

    Love you sis!
    Kristen

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    1. Ah,thank you, sweet sis. Love you so so much. We miss you!!!.

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